“Trauma Bonding is a cycle of physical or emotional abuse that creates a strong attachment between the abused and the abuser, reinforced by a cycle of affection and devaluation”
Trauma is anything that overwhelms the brain’s ability to cope. It is a highly charged emotional or psychological response to specific events and is as addictive as drugs. One person does the abusing and the other person is in constant fear of being detached from the abuser. Trauma bonding is characterised by a pattern of abuse followed by remorseful behaviour in the form of guilt. Feeling guilty and showing empathy promotes forgiveness and making amends by taking responsibility for the abuser’s behaviour. It is an unhealthy type of attachment towards a person that causes trauma and can be difficult to break. It happens when an abuser uses manipulation tactics and cycles of abuse to make the victim feel dependent on them for care and validation causing a strong attachment. It mostly occurs in romantic relationships but can also occur in families. Trauma bonding develops when the victim forms an emotional attachment to the perpetrator and the main factor involved is a power imbalance out of repeated cycles of abuse, devaluation and positive reinforcement through alternating rewards and punishments. Trauma bonds are based on fear, domination and unpredictability. As the bond between an abuser and a victim increases and deepens, it leads to alarm, numbness and grief. Most times the abused has low self-esteem and their self-image is a derivative and an internalisation of the abuser’s conceptualisation of them.
Trauma bonds have a huge impact on the victim, not only while the relationship continues but long after the relationship ends. Breaking free is difficult simply because of the pervasiveness of the relationship. Many people try to leave several times before it finally ends.
People who have relational and emotional trauma are typically targeted by perpetrators and quite often a perpetrator will seek out strong, driven, educated and independent thinkers so they can feel superior when they have finally broken the victim down.
The Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding
Gaslighting:
Gaslighting is an emotional abuse in which the abuser makes the abused question their reality, beliefs and sanity. This technique of psychological manipulation typically occurs in abusive relationships. Victims are manipulated to overlook the harmful behaviour of the abusive partner by making them constantly be second-guessing themselves.
Love Bombing:
Love bombing refers to behaviour patterns in which someone overwhelms another person with displays of affection and admiration. They use loving words, flattery and excessive attention as tactics to manipulate the recipient into making them feel dependant on the abuser. It is a form of psychological and emotional abuse and mostly involves going above and beyond to manipulate you into a relationship with them.
Emotional Addiction:
Emotional addiction means that the high’s and low’s of the relationship become addictive to the individual. The body is constantly producing cortisol (stress) and craves dopamine (pleasure). This results in a cycle of dependency that closely resembles a drug addiction. The abused person knows that they are in an unhealthy relationship but feel that they cannot leave it.
Criticism:
Criticism is a stage where the abusive partner criticises and blames the other person for things they are fully aware are not their partner’s fault. The showering of affection displayed in the love bombing is slowly replaced with criticism, belittlement, insults, humiliation and intimidation. This leaves the victim confused as to how all of a sudden everything is their fault.
Loss of Self:
Loss of self happens when an individual settles for anything just to keep the peace at the expense of their self-confidence. When the abused tries to push back against the the destructive behaviours of the abuser the situation gets worse. It is here where the the situation can become physical. There is a sense by the abuser of, “Who are you to question my authority?” The abused very often stays in the relationship because they are trapped. With nowhere to go and their support network having been cut off through isolation and without a lack of financial or emotional support, the victim, accepts the abuse as an inevitability of life.
Trust & Dependency:
The trust and dependency involves the abuser trying to win over the victim’s trust that the situation won’t happen again. They try to manipulate the abused into being dependent on them for validation and attention. Abuse is a perpetual cycle. Tensions are built by the abuser as the victim’s stress levels increase. An incident will happen for the abuser to lash out with either physical, verbal or psychological abusive tactics to dominate the situation. Afterwards the abuser will make excuses or attempt to apologise for the incident. Gaslighting here is common by the abuser minimising the incident and because the victim is alone, vulnerable and frightened of what has just happened they won’t question the abuser. The abused is desperately seeking for everything to just stop! Calm is temporarily restored, until the next time when the cycle starts all over again.
Resigned to Control:
Resignation to being controlled is when open discussions and ways to find a solution to the problem just don’t work out. The abuser shifts the blame on to the victim. This creates frustration and exhaustion over time and the victim’s compromise in resolving the conflict is to give in. Victims often feel that their partner can change. They convince themselves that this is a temporary issue and they believe in time the situation will resolve itself and things will get better. Sadly in most occasions that is never the case.
“You may lose people when you stop trauma bonding. But when you honour your boundaries, realise that you cannot save others & when you stop seeking external validation, that is when you will find yourself and know that it will have been worth it”
How to break a Trauma Bond
- Acknowledge that you are in a controlling, abusive and manipulative relationship
- Trauma Bonding happens when we know we are in an abusive relationship but are unable to leave
- Recognise the fact that what you are up against is difficult but for the sake of your sanity you have no choice but to end it
- Disengage and retract from the situation as much as you can
- Face your feelings
- Stop the secret self-blaming
- Step into the reality of your situation by raising self-awareness
- Create an exit plan
- Be kind to yourself, learn coping mechanisms to help you move forward
- Speak to a professional
- If the abuse is physical, contact the police and the local authorities if necessary
- Feel free to get in touch so I can help signpost you to the relevant authorities
“When the pain of healing feels too intense, we want to know when it will end”
Signs You Are Healing From Trauma
Having finally broken from a trauma bond, the healing and recovery takes time. The journey is long, intense and often lonely and yet you alone are the best judge in your own healing. Breaking a trauma bond comes with intense withdrawal symptoms, flashbacks, cravings and desire for the toxic person. As with any trauma, recovering from an abusive relationship is a process. You cannot expect to wake up one morning and consider yourself healed. Developing self-awareness and self-understanding is a life-long process and unravelling your past and learning where it all started is the first sign that you are willing to move forward. Here are some other signs you are healing from trauma:
- Decreased self-doubt and an increase in self compassion
- More respectful of boundaries, other people’s and your own
- You no longer have the desire to confront them
- Increased ability to feel your hurt without feeling ashamed
- You are able to acknowledge that the only way forward is to recognise what happened
- An increase in your ability to ask for help from others without feeling you are a burden
- You have an ability to recognise your emotional trigger points.
- You slowly feel that you are able to detach from self-soothing behaviours such as comfort eating, alcohol substances etc.
“Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection. That’s why healthy relationships are difficult for wounded people”