“You cannot become a peacemaker without communication. Silence is a passive-aggressive grenade thrown by insecure people that want a war, but don’t want the accountability of starting one…”
Passive aggressive behaviour, which is another form of emotional abuse refers to an indirect way of expressing emotions through actions. Instead of getting visibly angry, the person expresses hostility in ways designed to hurt and confuse their target. Passive aggression stems from deep anger and frustration that the person, for whatever reason, feels they cannot express. Instead they use sarcastic means and snide remarks. It is a learnt behaviour which allows the person to get what they want in a way that avoids direct confrontation.
It’s important to understand that the person who uses passive aggression often hides a deep sadness and may feel angry and resentful but is not able to communicate emotions openly and directly, so instead they act neutral, pleasant or even cheerful but find other, indirect ways to show how they really feel. Passive aggression is hard to pin down but it is generally agreed that these are some of the common signs.
Examples of Passive Aggressive behaviour includes:
- Refusing to discuss concerns openly and directly avoiding responsibility
- Creating confusion because their words don’t match up to their actions
- They are saying something nice but it means something else, the result is mixed messages
- There is verbal hostility in the way they speak
- They try to pass off hostility as humour
- They deny their feelings
- They give someone the silent treatment
- They are resentful of instructions from others but do them anyway while protesting
- They deliberately delay finishing tasks that was requested of them or they make intentional mistakes
- They routinely complain of feeling under-appreciated
- They have a tendency to be critical of others
Emotions are neither negative nor positive. They are emotions. Anger, correctly displayed is an honest and real emotion. We all get angry from time to time, that is normal. But when primary caregivers and/or parents deny children from expressing anger, confusion or personal discontent, the child learns to internalise feelings and instead uses coping mechanisms to survive. The end result is childhood trauma and internalised anger that is often based on self-criticism, shame and a low self-esteem which creates resentment from having their feelings thoughts and needs dismissed as insignificant.
“The Silent Treatment makes you feel unheard, unloved and unimportant. It’s torture and emotional abuse”
Silent treatment is an individual intentionally withdrawing from their partner as a form of punishment. It is a refusal to communicate verbally and/or electronically with someone who is trying to elicit a response from you. It is a withdrawal of approval and can generate fear and anxiety in people who are vulnerable. The behaviour may range from someone who is sulking to abusive controlling behaviour. When silence, or the refusal to engage in any kind of verbal communication is used as a control to exert power in a relationship then it becomes unhealthy, abusive and toxic. A person may use silent treatment if they don’t know how to express their feelings but want to let their partner know that they are upset.
The message being given is, “You have done something wrong, I am displeased with you and now I am going to punish you, ignore you and remove all signs of affection towards you.” For a partner who is approval dependant, showing disapproval is a powerful form of control.
Silent treatment is tremendously damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for the partnership, diminishes feelings of intimacy, reduces the ability to trust that the other person cares about your feelings . When someone is being given the silent treatment they are being made to feel as if they are invisible. Their partner is shutting down to them, closing off their heart and refusing to interact or acknowledge the other person’s presence. Using the silent treatment prevents people from ever resolving conflicts, because without healthy communication relationships cannot flourish.
How to respond to Silent Treatment:
- Name the situation. Acknowledge that someone is using silent treatment
- Use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings
- Acknowledge the other person’s feelings
- Apologise for any words or actions that you have said or done
- Cool off and arrange a time to resolve the issue
“Abuse of any sort is never your fault. Recognising that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship or situation is a start. Asserting yourself and raising personal boundaries, as well as creating a support network can go a long way to help you manage the situation.”