“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence and judgement. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgement” Brene Brown
There is no-one more authorised to speak on the subject of shame than Dr Brene Brown. A research professor who has spent over two decades studying vulnerability, shame and empathy.
From her many books, including: The Gifts of Imperfection, Braving the Wilderness, and Daring Greatly, Dr Brown speaks about how wholehearted living comes from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think “No matter what…I am enough”
To understand shame is to recognise the scientific underpinnings of the impact of what causes shame. While shame is an acute feeling of believing that we are flawed and therefore not worthy of being loved, guilt is a feeling of deserving blame, sometimes for imagined offences and often from a sense of inadequacy. Shame is the uncomfortable sensation that we feel in the pit of our stomach when we feel ourselves judged by others. It arises as a result of a sense of failure. If our failures are met by others with comfort and understanding, we can transcend our shame and learn from our mistakes. If not, shame will get under our skin and starts to infect our sense of self worth and our relationships with others.
Although it is a universal emotion, felt by everyone at some stage in their life, shame causes us to direct our focus inward and view ourselves in a negative light. It is an intense feeling of humiliation and distress which is perceived through a sense of inadequacy. Connection provides us with comfort, validation, support and belonging that is necessary for our survival. We heal from the loving support of others. Connection with others can also bring pain, loss and abuse. When we hurt at the hands of others, it destroys our sense of self confidence and as a result we are hesitant to put ourselves out there for fear of rejection and the result is we end up becoming disconnected.
“I am a bad person, I am unlovable, therefore I hate myself and I’m not worthy of love and belonging.”
For a young child who may not have had a sensitive parent/primary caregiver that supported their cognitive, social and emotional development, intense feeling of shame and inadequacy can be incredibly painful for them to feel. Sometimes early experiences of neglect, abuse and perceived rejection may have led them to develop an inherently negative view of themselves as unlovable.
The core emotion of shame can be described as a sense of smallness, worthlessness and powerlessness in a given situation and the four poles of the compass of shame include, withdrawal, self attack, avoidance and attack the other.
Timidity, often comes from a sense of inadequacy. A feeling of not sure how to act in certain circumstances. Shyness, which is timidity, comes from self consciousness, negative self preoccupation, low self-esteem, a fear of being judged and a sense of being compared to others or being rejected. Shame is a secondary emotion, an emotion that is a reaction to another emotion and while it is a negative, diminishing feeling, it makes us feel intense sadness and quite often fear and anger too.
A child that has grown up experiencing intense feelings of shame will need to be shown complete and utter love and acceptance for who they are. As an adult they will need to feel emotionally safe in a relationship. They need constant reassurance that they are loved for who they are. An emotionally secure and loving relationship with a deeply loving and caring partner can support a timid person to be the best version of themselves, simply because they will not be made to feel inadequate or judged for who they are.
“Shame cannot be felt by those without a capacity for empathy. Empathy is the antidote to shame” Brene Brown
Finding ways to deal with shame:
- Conquering shame and finding ways to move forward, lies in the ability to find the source of the shame
- Become aware of how you talk to yourself
- Try to observe your own thoughts but don’t react to them, write them down instead
- Have compassion for yourself and recognise that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws. No one is perfect
- Recognise when you are feeling shame
- Seek support from a therapist and talk things over
- Learn how to chart your emotions in order to understand them
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” Brene Brown