“We celebrate the lives of the beautiful people we have known and the animals we have loved. Those who are no longer with us, some people gone too soon because they no longer wanted to stay with us, and others who have left us, because it was their time to go. The sorrow we feel when we lose a loved one, is the price we pay to have had them in our lives.”
According to existential theorist Irvin Yalom, death is one of the “givens of existence” for human beings and the way we approach loss has a profound way of showing how we find meaning in life.
Both the process of bereavement and the sensation of loss, encompass a range of feelings from deep sadness to anger, either in the death of a loved one or at the end of a relationship. There is an overwhelming sense of confusion, frustration and the loss of a loved one has the potential to cause a huge emotional crisis. The way we handle loss varies differently from person to person and as with any significant event in our life we have to learn to adjust to the loss and to what has happened, as we continue to live.
The old adage “Time heals all wounds” is not so. Time doesn’t heal wounds. What time does, is allow you to come to terms with your grief while you live with the loss. Grief doesn’t end on a specific day when you wake up one morning and think it is over. It continues… forever. We just have to learn how to manage it.
The feelings and emotions associated with grief are profound. The physical impact of grief is real and the physiological reactions our body can have to a traumatic loss of a loved one is immense. Grief can often be associated with rage, anger and a sense of abandonment with a feeling of not being able to cope because the other person has gone. The complexities of emotions multiply when some people feel a sense of relief and guilt because of the passing.
“Grief never ends… but it changes. It’s a passage of time, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… It’s the sadness we feel after having lost a loved one.”
The emotional process of grief can become problematic when the grief has not decreased over time after the death. While mental health professionals all agree that there is no specific time frame to deal with the loss of a loved one, complicated grief is considered when the intensity of grief has not diminished over a period after a year and it is interfering with the basic functionality of every day life.
The person in question feels a sense of hopelessness and can spiral into a deep depression. Grief is often treated first of all with psychotherapy. The person-centred therapeutic approach often helps because the person is able find their own authentic way through their grief by re-establishing their core sense of self and continue to self-actualise without a sense of being judged or having to move forward processing the grief based on someone else’s agenda or time frame.
Having someone to talk to in an individual setting often brings a sense of relief. Sometimes there are family members who cannot talk about the death and there are others who need to keep the memory of their loved one alive.
In therapy you can explore topics such as grief reactions, the impact the grief is having on your daily life, the need to adjust to your loss and redefine your life’s goals. You can hold imagined conversations with your loved one and retell the circumstances surrounding the death so you can learn to ease your distress. You can explore and process thoughts and emotions and learn to improve your coping skills.
The stages of grief that one goes through include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. They are all natural ways for your heart to heal.
Grief is a universal emotion and at some point in our life we all have to grieve. Everyone has their own way of coping. Some people become silent and withdrawn. Others shout and scream from the rooftops, both trying to find reason within their sense of despair.
How to heal after the death of a loved one:
- Talk often about the death of your loved one
- Keep a scrapbook of all your pictures
- Acknowledge your pain and don’t feel you need to hold your emotions back
- Write a letter to your beloved telling them everything you feel. They are not going to read them, but it helps in expressing the emotion.
- Take extra care of yourself
- Reach out to your faith within your community
- Plan ahead for special dates so you are not triggered with painful reminders
- Learn new skills
- Join a support group
While the process of grief through the death of a person is final and absolute, there is no way to come back from the dead. The sense of grief that is felt at the end of a relationship is different, but the same…
There is equal meaning at the end of a romantic relationship, the death of a loved one or the loss of a beloved pet. The feelings are the same. The deepest sense of having lost something or someone so profound, so emotionally connected to you, that you feel that your heart will break.
The loss of companionship and shared experiences is acute, especially if the break-up was unexpected. One moment everything is ok and then it’s not… Learning to let go of someone is not easy. We like to hold on to things and situations because they make us feel secure and they fulfil our need for certainty. When you have built a connection with someone, one of the hardest things to do is to let go, but if you have fallen out of love, or the person doesn’t love you any more then you have no choice…
When people grieve someone who is still alive, it is called ambiguous grief. It includes having to cope when being separated suddenly. It happens when a relationship ends suddenly and the interactions of love, loyalty, intimacy, attention and caring, no longer exist, yet you know that in reality, your loved one is tangibly close. This type of loss is acutely felt in estranged relationships too, where for whatever reason family members have lost contact.
Depending on the circumstance of the breakup, a person might experience thoughts and feelings related to betrayal, shock, embarrassment, shame and anger. You will feel the sense of loss acutely when you hear a song, when you smell their fragrance, when you hear a name, each time it will tear at your soul.
As with all emotional rollercoasters, take time to be gentle with yourself. Relationships have a profound impact on how we see ourselves. During a relationship, it is normal to become meshed with a partner. To have that cut off either through the finality of death or excruciating pain of a break up, is heart wrenching. Life is difficult at the best of times, so when times are tough it’s even harder. After all is said and done, we are only human.
How to heal after the end of a relationship:
- Understand that it’s ok to fail
- Recognise that breakups are akin to an emotional hurricane and the confusion is sublime
- Cry as much as you need to, it helps release the emotional stress
- Try to remember the good times
- Don’t apportion blame
- Accept that you wanted different things and for whatever reason, it just wasn’t meant to be
- Sometimes it’s the right person, but the wrong time and if that’s the case it will sort itself out
- Realise that it takes time to move on and that you know you will be in pain for a while
- Reach out to your friends and family for support
The death of a beloved pet
Our pets are our family members. If you had a cat or a dog from a kitten or a puppy, or any other cuddly pet, you will know they are like babies. Dependant on you for everything. For their food and drink, their warmth and shelter. You will love them endlessly and in return they will adore you. As they grow they will develop their own individual characters and no matter what, they will always be one of the family… until they are gone.
The death of a pet is profound. They support our emotional well-being, provide companionship, reduce loneliness and can ease anxiety. For some people the death of a pet is the loss of a source of unconditional love, their primary companion and a provider of security and comfort. The loss of a dog can seriously disrupt the owner’s daily routine more profoundly than the loss of friends and relatives, simply because the dog usually has scheduled times for walks. Their presence is felt everywhere and when they leave us, or when they have to be put to sleep for their own benefit the sense of loss is mind blowing. As with all loss, the house will seem empty without them.
I have my own little poodle Lily. She will be 13 years old this year. I am dreading what I know will be the inevitable one day. For now she seems happy, and is a sprightly little girl. But the pain of what is to come will be unbearable. I collect her fur every time she goes to the groomers now and I have had her paw prints made out of putty. One day I will have little cushions made for my children and Lily’s fur will be packed inside as a memory. Perhaps it’s something that you could do too, while you still have the time.
There are many discussions as to when is the right time to bring another pet into the home after the loss. Most experts agree that it is best to go through the grieving process first, There is no right time for anyone. We are all different. Some will feel that a new pet will help with the grieving process, others feel the need to mourn the loss first. Most certainly each will know when it is right for them. Undoubtedly the correct decision will always be in looking out for the best interests of the animal. When you know that you are ready to love again, and to experience the joy of having a pet, then that is the right time.
How to heal after the death of a pet
- You’ve experienced a loss, allow yourself to feel
- Don’t be in such a rush to remove your pet’s items or give them away
- Practice self-compassion
- As with every loss, let the tears flow
- Give in to the mourning process
- Don’t feel guilty if the animal had to be put to sleep. You will know best when to end your pet’s suffering
- Consider finding a way to memorialise your pet
- Consider cremation and keep the pet urn at home. You will feel you have them closer to you
- Create a scrap book
“Grief, I’ve learned is really love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. The more you loved something or someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in the part of your chest that gets that empty and hollow feeling. The happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent. Grief is just love with no place to go…” The Mind Journal