“All hurt is founded on attachment to anything, regardless of it’s nature. When we detach, we vibrationally send ourselves back into the flow of life”
Attachment theory is the psychological and evolutionary theory concerned with human relationships. Formulated by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, the theory developed and grew, based on the proposition that attachments and relationship patterns we have later in life, are reflections of the original attachment we had with our primary caregiver in infancy. Disruption to, or loss of a strong emotional bond in early childhood can emotionally and psychologically affect a child all the way into adulthood and that is where it has the potential to have a huge impact on future relationships.
Understanding what is a secure base and it’s importance in the development of children is paramount. A secure base, a concept introduced by developmental psychologist, Mary Ainsworth in the late 1960’s and 70’s is a necessity that should be provided from one or more sensitive and responsive attachment figures who meet the child’s need and can create a safe space when the child is feeling anxious or scared.
Although John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth worked independently of each other in their early careers, both were influenced by Sigmund Freud and other psychoanalytic thinkers, in Bowlby’s case it was directly and in Ainsworth’s case, indirectly.
Infants are biologically programmed to stay close to a protective adult and when a child can trust their primary caregiver, that person becomes a secure base for the child. The caregiver’s ability to provide safety for the infant can profoundly affect the child’s self-image and is the basis for the level of trust that the now grown up child, has in future relationships.
Characteristics of a secure base for a child include the primary caregiver being available whenever the child needs it. Some children are more sensitive than others and a caregiver should be readily available to provide nurturance and protection, as well as give confidence to the child that home is a safe place as the growing child explores the world around him while taking on new challenges.
“Most people are only as needy as their unmet needs”
To formulate a comprehensive theory of the nature of early attachments, John Bowlby explored a wide range of fields including, cognitive psychology, object relations theory – which is a school of psychoanalysis – and control systems theory, to name a few. Yet even though the psychoanalytical community ostracized Bowlby for his departure from psychoanalytical doctrines, the attachment theory has since become the dominant approach to understanding early social development.
The theory of attachment basically proposes that children will instinctively attach to any consistent caregiver for the purpose of survival. The biological aim is survival and the psychological aim is security. The relationship that the child has with an attachment figure is never more important than in a perceived dangerous or threatening situation and with a caring, sensitive and responsive caregiver, the quality of the engagement is more influential than the amount of time.
John Bowlby’s major conclusion, from his extensive studies, grounded in the empirical evidence, was that to grow up mentally healthy, the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate and continuous relationship with its mother, or permanent mother substitute.
Mary Ainsworth’s most famous study on attachment theory was the ‘Strange Situation’ experiment, devised in the 1970’s. It’s objective was to observe attachment in children in the relationship between caregiver and child.
The procedure involved observing the child playing for roughly twenty-four minutes in a semi structured laboratory, sectioned into eight episodes, lasting three minutes each, where the mother, child and a stranger were introduced, separated and reunited. The situation varied in stressfulness and the child’s responses were observed.
The conclusion of Mary Ainsworth’s ‘Strange Situation’ experiment resulted in the development of four attachment patterns in infants including:
- Secure Attachment
- Anxious/Avoidant (insecure) Attachment
- Anxious-Ambivalent/Resistant (insecure) Attachment
- Disorganised/Disoriented Attachment
How Does Attachment Style Affect Romantic Relationships?
The importance in understanding how our differing attachment styles can affect romantic relationships allows us to find ways to deal with relationship conflicts, feelings towards sex and our expectations of romantic intimacy.
A Securely Attached person is comfortable giving and receiving love, can trust others, is readily trusted and can get close to others with relative ease. Someone with a secure attachment style is more confident that their loved ones will be available to support them emotionally and they perceive their environment as less threatening. They appreciate their own self-worth and are comfortable in their ability to be themselves in the relationship, happy to give and receive love in equal measures.
An Anxious/Avoidant (insecure) Attached person is quite often afraid of intimacy and commitment and they can quite often lash out at anyone who tries to get too close to them. They feel the urge to connect vulnerably with others while at the same time fearing both the intimacy and vulnerability. An anxious-avoidant person often spends time alone and they have dysfunctional relationships. The anxiously attached side of them craves a deeper connection while the avoidant side of them craves their independence and freedom as they fear being consumed. People who have both sides of this dynamic attachment style will have probably had emotionally avoidant parents and the child would have grown up thinking this was normal. For an anxious avoidant person, growing in love and trust with a securely attached person can give them the security and closeness that they subconsciously desire while allowing them to heal their attachment trauma.
An Anxious-Ambivalent/Resistant (insecure) Attachment style typically results from children whose primary caregivers were inconsistent in their affection, emotional availability and care. The inconsistency of not knowing what to expect from the primary caregiver results in the lack of ability to trust others. As an adult, an anxious ambivalent often relies on others to help them regulate their emotions. In relationships they can feel intense emotions such as rejection, abandonment or anger because their partner does not live up to their preconceived notions or expectation.
A Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment style stems from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma. This person, as a child, would have lived in a chaotic, unpredictable environment where the primary caregiver would have consistently failed to respond to the child’s distress which would have resulted in intense relationship patterns and behaviours. As an adult, they would have difficulty connecting to and trusting others. They would have an extreme need for closeness while at the same time tend to push people away for fear of intimacy and distrust. Their romantic relationships would often be tumultuous, dramatic and quite often there would be a lot of fighting.
“A securely attached child will store an internal working model of a responsive, loving, reliable care-giver and of a self that is worthy of love and attention and will bring this to bear on all other relationships”