“Manipulation becomes emotional blackmail when it is used repeatedly to coerce us into complying with the blackmailer’s demands, at the expense of our own wishes and well-being”
We all have personality flaws and imperfections, that is what makes us human, but there are some personality traits that could be considered dark and that makes them toxic to others. An absence of empathy, compassion and a moral compass is a huge red flag and learning to recognise behaviours that make some people dangerous is important in helping us choose a romantic partner wisely.
All personality traits fall along a spectrum. They don’t all fall into a good or bad category. Toxic traits can be found in many of us to a greater or lesser degree. We all have our ‘off’ days when we are less compassionate, impatient with our loved ones, or we can be a little less empathic with others.
Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder is all about “I”. It is all about “Me” what I want, what I need and very rarely is it about “Us” or “We”. It is the first one of the traits that form part of what is considered The Dark Triad.
The concept of The Dark Triad, coined by Canadian research psychologists, Delroy L. Paulhus and Kevin M. Williams in 2002, is a cluster of three negative personality traits. Subclinical (nonpathalogical) Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy. These traits share certain features including emotional coldness, duplicity and aggressiveness. They describe the three personality traits as overlapping but distinct. The theory of the dark triad recognises specific characteristics towards each personality trait. Narcissism is marked by self importance and grandiosity, Machiavellianism by manipulation and strategic cunning and Psychopathy by callousness, impulsiveness and thrill seeking.
Narcissistic people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and constantly seek too much attention and want people to admire them. They lack the ability to understand or care about other people’s feelings and they appear to have no desire for emotional intimacy. Coupled with an unrealistic sense of entitlement they expect others to cater to their desires and can get extremely angry when corrected or when perceived by others to be ‘common’ as opposed to ‘special’. Narcissistic people are ego-invested and arrogant. They are hypersensitive to criticism and with their grandiose sense of self importance they struggle, trying constantly to live in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur and that feeds their sense of self. They have no problems exploiting others without guilt or shame and can frequently demean, intimidate, bully or belittle others to get what they want.
Machiavellianism is a willingness to manipulate or deceive without any emotion or guilt. Considered the second in The Dark Triad, Machiavellianism is usually seen in a drive to gain power. It denotes cunningness. The thought process behind Machiavellianism is that all people have the ability to be good, but only if it is in their own self interest to do so. Machiavellian personality traits are often associated with low levels of empathy and just like Narcissism, they lack desire for interpersonal closeness. When interacting with them you might find their behaviour charming and engaging and unlike a narcissist, they don’t seek to be the centre of attention, preferring to gain what they want silently and methodically ‘pulling the strings on the puppet’ from behind the scenes. Some people however show that they are skilled at taking a different perspective thus appearing to have the the ability to show empathy, but at the end of the day, the golden rule of the Machiavellian personality is “Do onto others as you expect that they will do onto you”.
Psychopathy, is a neuropsychiatric disorder marked by deficient emotional responses, a lack of empathy and poor behavioural control resulting in persistent antisocial deviance often resulting in criminal behaviour. Considered the third in the Dark Triad, it is synonymous with sociopathy. The term tends to conjure up images of violent criminals capable of heinous crime. Psychopathic traits vary across the population from mild to extreme and it is therefore a spectrum disorder. Severe psychopathy can cause significant impairment. Changes in the brain that impair thinking and feeling can lead to severe problems in trying to function in daily life. People with psychopathy may not even realise what is causing their persistent antisocial behaviour, yet their main characteristics of untruthfulness, callousness, impulsiveness and lack of shame or remorse should raise red flags when dealing with them, as their lack of fear, being cold-hearted coupled with a charming personality which is used to fool others, makes them dangerous and toxic in a relationship.
“And people who do hideous things, do not look like people who do hideous things. There is no face of evil”
An Explanation Of How Control And Manipulation Works
As interaction with you commences and then proceeds, the abuser carefully assesses your persona. Your persona gives them a picture of the traits and characteristics you value in yourself. Your persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses you wish to minimise or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behaviour, a person who manipulates will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of your private self and eventually build a personal relationship with you by communicating (through words and deeds) four important messages.
The first message is that they like and value the strengths and talents presented by your persona. In other words, the abuser positively reinforces your self-presentation, saying, in effect, I like who you are. Reinforcing someone’s persona is a simple, yet powerful, influence technique, especially if communicated in a convincing charming manner.
Finding someone who pays attention to us, who appreciates or actually “sees” us, is refreshing. It validates who we are and makes us feel special. The abuser quickly fulfils this need.
We invest considerable mental energy in presenting our persona every time we interact with someone. But behind our outward presentation, and sometimes mixed in with it, are aspects of our private self, both positive and negative, that we like to keep private. We rarely want to share parts of our private self with business associates and acquaintances; we reserve this for close friends and serious relationships. However an abuser, on meeting us for the first time, can often surmise some of the issues or concerns that exist in our private self.
Using this information, they craft a simulated persona—a mask—that mirrors or complements these characteristics. Subtly, through clever banter, they then begin to share bits of personal information, seemingly letting down his or her guard with us. These conversations resonate with you because someone is sharing personal details that reflect values, beliefs, and issues similar to your own. The second message is I am just like you.
Meeting someone who shares the same values, beliefs, and life experiences is not very common, so it is wonderful when it does occur. It is easy to open up to someone like this and soon we are sharing more and more of our inner thoughts and feelings. To our great pleasure, we want to believe that this person understands us at a much deeper level, better than anyone else we have met. Having parts of your private self understood and accepted by someone means you can relax, let down your guard, and begin to trust that this person is different—he or she may like you for who you really are, behind your own mask or persona.
Happily and with relief, you conclude that this person will not pose a psychological threat. In effect, the third message is: Your secrets are safe with me. Safety or security is one of our most basic psychological needs. Someone who is looking to control you willingly fulfils this need.
When the abuser convinces us that he or she understands and accepts our weaknesses and personal flaws, then we begin to believe in the potential of the relationship to go further. We believe this person will be a true friend. True friends, of course, share information, often intimate information, about themselves with each other. Relationships develop and mature as people share more and more of their private lives with their partners, including their inner desires, hopes, and dreams.
Some of it is personal, other topics are mundane, but all of it is relevant to manufacturing a picture that fulfils our deep psychological needs and expectations. Because the abuser is now our new best friend, he/she is also an excellent communicator. They easily pick out topics that are important to us and they reflect sympathetic points of view, sometimes complete with enthusiasm or “emotion” to reinforce the spoken words. Glib verbal and social skills are used to build a firm reputation in your mind, one that includes strengths you wish you had and weaknesses you understand. This psychological bond capitalises on your inner personality, holding out the promise of greater depth and possibly intimacy, and offering a relationship that is special, unique and equal forever. This is not easy to carry out, but someone looking to control you exerts notable effort communicating that he or she is exactly the person you have been looking for in a friend, partner. The fourth message conveyed is: I am the perfect friend . . . lover . . . partner . . . for you.
Once this is accomplished, your fate is sealed. Later interactions merely reinforce the foundation formed during this early part of the manipulation process.
What makes the abuser – victim relationship any different from a real bond formed between two people who meet each other and find that they have a lot in common? For one, the persona of the abuser, the “personality” the person is bonding with, does not really exist. It was built on lies, carefully woven together to trap you. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made to fit your particular psychological needs and expectations. It does not reflect the true personality. It is a convenient fabrication.
Second, these relationships are not based on informed choice. An abuser chooses you and then moves in. Outsiders, without the benefit of intimate conversation, may see what is really going on, but we tend to discount these observations, and may spend energy convincing our friends that this person is special.
Third, because it is faked, it won’t last like genuine relationships. While genuine relationships change over time, love may turn to hate, marriages end in divorce, the initial starting point was based on real data, as it was known at the time. People change over time, and sometimes grow apart. The abuser though will not invest more than minimal energy in maintaining the relationship unless you can offer something really special, which is not usually the case. Hence, when the relationship ends, you may be left wondering what just happened.
Fourth, the relationship is one-sided. Someone looking to control and abuse you has an ulterior and at the very least, a selfish motive. This victimisation goes far beyond trying to take advantage of someone on a date or during a simple business transaction. The victimisation is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical, or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust. They are based on sharing honest thoughts and feeling. The mistaken belief that the bond has any of these characteristics is what makes the control so successful.
“When a toxic person can no longer control you they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair but stay above it. Trust that other people will eventually see the truth just like you do”