“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor used to depict the end times. They describe Conquest, War, Hunger and Death. This metaphor is also used to describe communication styles to predict the end of a relationship…”
In the realm of relationships, the metaphorical “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” as coined by renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, serve as harbingers of relationship doom.
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. These four destructive communication patterns, used in conjunction and in sequence have the potential to predict with relative accuracy the demise of a relationship and it can erode even the strongest of bonds, leading to emotional disconnection and eventual dissolution of the coupling.
Understanding and identifying The Four Horsemen in your cycle of conflict is an important and necessary first step in eliminating them. Relationships and conflict within them are only ever going to be solved if both sides are willing to find a resolution.
The First Horseman: Criticism
Criticism is a toxic habit that can ruin your relationship. It is a complaint that is addressed as a character flaw. “You never…” “You always…”. People often resort to criticism as a form of self-protection. Attacking or blaming our partner is a less vulnerable act than revealing what you truly need from them, for fear of rejection.
Criticism involves attacking the character of your partner rather than addressing a specific behaviour. It’s not about complaining but making global statements about their personality, which can be deeply hurtful. For instance, saying, “You never listen to me” is a criticism, whereas expressing, “I feel unheard when you interrupt me…” is a complaint about a specific action.
Criticism, if unchecked, can create emotional distance. Criticism stems from unmet needs or unresolved issues within the relationship. To address criticism, it is important to identify the specific behaviour that upsets you and express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, “I feel ignored when we don’t spend time together.” It is essential to express grievances constructively, focusing on behaviours and their impact rather than attacking the person’s character.
The Second Horseman: Contempt
Contempt involves a sense of superiority over one’s partner, often expressed through eye-rolling, name-calling, and sneering expressions. It conveys a fundamental lack of respect for the other person.
Contempt is an ugly trait. An insidious beast that rears its ugliness from a witch’s cauldron of negative thoughts. It doesn’t attack the habits or what the person does but instead goes straight to the heart of the person’s sense of self-worth. It is mocking, hostile and sarcastic and it leaves your partner with the feeling that you are disgusted by them.
Contempt is poison for relationships. It demolishes the respect that is vital for a healthy partnership. It arises from a deep-seated resentment and can erode the very fabric of a relationship. Cultivating appreciation and gratitude for your partner’s positive qualities can counteract contempt. Empathy and understanding are its antidotes. Practicing active listening and empathy can help you understand your partner’s perspective, which in turn fosters mutual respect, neutralising contemptuous feelings.
The Third Horseman: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a natural reaction to criticism or perceived attack, but it becomes a problem when it prevents constructive communication. Defensive responses, such as counter-attacks or playing the victim, block healthy dialogue. It can escalate conflicts instead of resolving them. Shifting the blame and trying to justify your actions are clear defence tactics. In areas where one may feel emotionally vulnerable, being defensives acts a barrier against perceived hurt.
While it’s instinctual to defend oneself, genuine vulnerability and active listening can break the cycle. Acknowledging your partner’s concerns, even if you disagree, can pave the way for resolution and understanding. Taking responsibility for your actions, even unintentional ones, can defuse defensiveness and promote understanding.
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when a person withdraws from the conversation, emotionally shutting down. It is a refusal to cooperate and it is often a response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions. Stonewalling makes it difficult for the other partner to express their feelings and can create an emotional distance. In a simplified form it means the person has shut down all attempts to engage in a resolution, often leaving the other partner abandoned and unheard. It is a destructive communication style that makes it impossible to move forward. The person could refuse to answer questions and change the subject to avoid talking about difficult subjects.
Stonewalling is a defence mechanism and while it might seem like an escape route, it is crucial to recognize its impact on your partner. If you find yourself stonewalling, communicate your need for a break and set a specific time to resume the conversation. A commitment to re-engage in the conversation after calming down is essential to prevent emotional distance. Both partners should practice self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing, before re-engaging in the discussion.
“When hopes and dreams are loose in the streets, it is well for the timid to lock doors, shutters, windows and lie low until the wrath has passed”
Relationships often break down because these negative communication patterns erode the very foundation of a healthy partnership, therefore it is important to understand why these patterns are so detrimental.
The Four Horsemen attack the emotional core of a relationship. Criticism and contempt target the emotional bond between partners by attacking each other’s character, therefore breeding resentment. This erosion weakens the connection that holds partners together.
Contempt is particularly toxic as it involves a sense of superiority, essentially viewing the partner with disgust. In a relationship, respect is fundamental. Contempt destroys respect, leaving partners feeling devalued and unappreciated.
Defensiveness hampers effective communication. When partners are defensive, they are more focused on protecting themselves than on resolving the issue at hand. This lack of open communication leads to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts.
Stonewalling, or emotional withdrawal, leads to a breakdown in communication. When one partner stonewalls, they disengage from the relationship, refusing to participate in discussions or problem-solving. This emotional cut-off creates a chasm between partners, making it difficult to bridge the gap and find common ground.
The Four Horsemen often form a cycle creating repetitive negative patterns. For example, criticism can lead to defensiveness, which might escalate into contempt and eventually, stonewalling. These negative patterns, when repeated, become ingrained in the relationship, making it increasingly difficult to break the cycle and reconnect positively.
Intimacy and trust are the pillars of a strong relationship. The Four Horsemen erode these pillars. When partners feel criticized, disrespected, or ignored, trust diminishes and intimacy fades away. Without intimacy and trust, a relationship lacks the necessary depth to weather challenges effectively.
The Four Horsemen escalate conflicts rather than resolve them. Instead of addressing the core issues, partners engage in destructive patterns that amplify negative emotions. Over time, these escalated conflicts create a hostile environment where love and understanding struggle to survive.
Relationships break down when the Four Horsemen are prevalent because they corrode the essential elements of a healthy partnership: emotional connection, respect, effective communication, intimacy and trust. Recognizing these destructive patterns and actively working to replace them with positive, constructive behaviours can help couples rebuild their relationships and create a stronger, more enduring bond.
Each Horseman has a proven positive behaviour that can help resolve the conflict and that is where Relationship Counselling can work to bring about an awareness of the cycle, reduce the conflict and introduce levels of communication that will counteract the negativity.
“I’m walking away because you were too busy finding faults in me while I was overlooking yours”