“Life isn’t always easy or happy or exactly the way we want it. Sometimes relationships break down and we don’t understand why and we reach a point where we try not to think about it too much or else it will break our heart”
Relationships are based on love, trust, respect and an ability to communicate. Family estrangement is when there is separation within a family. Estrangement comes from the Latin root, Extraneare “to treat as a stranger.”
In a nuclear family, parent and child relationships are one of the most important bonds a child can learn to create. Attachments are formed at a very young age and a parent-child relationship is one of the most long-lasting and closest of relationships one can experience.
Not all parent-child communication is a positive experience however. Sometimes family estrangement happens between parent and an older child because of disagreements or an assertion of boundaries not respected. Sometimes because one parent or the other has mistakenly or deliberately encouraged a growing child to take a misguided view of the other parent, allowing the negativity to grow to the extent that one child grows up not wanting to have anything to do with one parent or the other and cutting off communication is one of the most common ways people use to distance themselves from relatives.
Studies show that there isn’t any one particular type of interaction or particular parenting style that leads to estrangement. In many cases the parents and child will have interpreted a version of events in their own minds.
Intrapersonal issues and personality characteristics of the estranged person such as mental illness, someone who is self-centred or unsupported feelings of being judged because of gender awareness are often reasons why someone would distance themselves from the family. An estranged person could also feel that there was child abuse, neglect and parental toxic behaviour as they were growing up.
Intrafamily issues, resulting in negative behaviour amongst the family themselves, divorce, separation of parents, parental alienation, where a child’s relationship with one of the parent’s is undermined or damaged by input from the other parent creating a toxic environment.
Parental alienation is an excruciating event that leaves people shattered and feeling alone. It involves the act of one parent attempting to turn the child or children against the other through manipulation, criticism, or other negative behaviours without reasonable justification. Strategies used include denying the child access, criticising the other parent, encouraging disrespect, even up to and including discouraging the child to have further access with the other parent. It serves no purpose other than to create an insecure attachment within the child and is a form of child abuse.
Trying to repair broken family relationships needs work from both sides and a Counsellor to help both parties understand their emotions. Before expecting either side to make amends, both have to consider the healing that needs to occur.
There are ways to be able to reconcile family estrangement, but both parties have to be willing to move forward. These include:
- Accept that your version of the past, will not align with theirs. Each estranged person has their version and their unique understanding of what has occurred and may continue to think the same.
- It’s not about an apology, it’s about understanding why. Abandon the need to expect an apology and concentrate only on understanding what happened.
- Mistakes have been made and need to be rectified, but first there is a need to understand where the other person is coming from. Apportioning blame, automatically assumes either one side or the other is at fault when the desired outcome is to understand and move forward. Self-awareness and learning your own emotional triggers can help understand what went wrong.
- Be prepared to do the work to reconcile and move forward. Resist the urge the recreate the past and instead concentrate on building a future. Weigh up the pros and cons of a reconciliation and acknowledge your part in the estrangement.
- If you feel that you have been wrongly accused, or if no reconciliation is possible look towards acceptance. It means accepting that you cannot change this moment and may never be able to change it. Allow yourself to feel sad. Emotions that are not expressed have a way of coming out somewhere else.
- Practice self-care. Understand that there is a grieving process, even in an ambiguous loss. Keep the door open and don’t hold a grudge. You never know what events may be triggered in the past to enable the family member to return.
- Write the person a letter. Express how you feel. If you trust someone enough to deliver the letter for you, even better. Offer a line of communication. Express your love for that person. Don’t ever judge and remember: Vulnerability is the birthplace of fear and anxiety but it is also the birthplace of joy, connection and belonging, so be the first to reach out to express how you feel.
“When I was little, I picked up a flower and put it in a vase. After a few days, it died. I asked my father why and he said, You can’t force a flower to thrive somewhere that it doesn’t belong… And now we can realise that people are like that too”