“Violence Has No Gender… Men are victims of abuse too”
Domestic abuse against men by their wives or partners, including same sex couples, is a critical but often overlooked issue in society. It encompasses physical violence, emotional manipulation, sexual abuse and financial control, among other forms of mistreatment. The silence surrounding this subject often exacerbates the suffering of the victims, partly due to societal norms and expectations regarding masculinity and the traditional roles of men and women in relationships. It is a pressing issue, one that can create a sense of helplessness within men, for fear of retribution and it deserves greater awareness and resources. By breaking the silence and challenging societal norms, we can create a more supportive environment for male victims to seek help and heal. Empathy, understanding and actionable support are key to addressing this often, invisible crisis.
Understanding the Emotional Depth of Helplessness
Exploring the emotional depth of helplessness in the context of domestic abuse against men requires a nuanced understanding of the psychological impact such experiences can entail. The emotional turmoil experienced by male victims of domestic abuse is multifaceted, deeply affecting their sense of self, their perception of safety and their ability to trust others, including themselves in situations that are often volatile. Here are ways that some men can feel a sense of helplessness:
- Internalisation of Stigma and Shame: Men facing domestic abuse often grapple with societal stigma and deeply ingrained notions of masculinity that equate strength with stoicism and dominance. The societal expectation that men should be able to ‘handle’ any situation, including abuse, without external assistance leads to a profound sense of shame when they find themselves unable to do so within the context of an abusive relationship. This shame is not just about being abused. It is intertwined with failing to meet these societal and self-imposed standards of masculinity. The internalisation of this shame can lead to a deep-seated sense of helplessness, as the victim feels trapped not only by the abuser but by the expectations of society at large.
- Emotional Isolation and the Fear of Disbelief: Many men who experience domestic abuse fear that their experiences will not be taken seriously or, worse, will be met with disbelief or ridicule. This fear can stem from actual experiences of dismissal or from anticipated stigma. The anticipation of not being believed or being judged negatively by peers, family, or authorities can lead to profound emotional isolation. This isolation exacerbates feelings of helplessness, as the victim feels alone in their struggle, with no clear pathway to support or escape.
- The Confusion and Dissonance of Love and Abuse: The emotional depth of helplessness is further complicated by the relationship dynamics between the abuser and the victim. In many cases, the victim may still have feelings of love or loyalty towards their partner, despite the abuse. This creates a dissonance that is difficult to reconcile. The idea that someone they love and perhaps depend on is causing them harm can lead to confusion and a sense of paralysis. This emotional conflict makes it harder for the victim to take action, as they may hope for change or rationalise the abuse as isolated incidents, thereby remaining in the harmful situation longer.
- The Fear of Consequences: Another layer of helplessness arises from the fear of the consequences of seeking help or attempting to leave the relationship. These fears can include the escalation of violence, legal and financial repercussions, the loss of mutual friends or family support, or the loss of custody and access to children. The overwhelming nature of these potential consequences can make the situation seem inescapable, reinforcing feelings of helplessness and despair.
“Never Let Someone Who Contributes So Little To A Relationship, Control So Much Of It”
The Need To Raise Awareness
- Lack of Awareness and Recognition: There is a notable lack of awareness and recognition regarding domestic abuse against men. Many public campaigns and support services are primarily targeted towards female victims, reflecting the historical focus on women’s experiences of domestic violence. While this focus is undoubtedly important, it can inadvertently contribute to the invisibility of male victims in public consciousness and policy. The assumption that domestic abuse is a predominantly female experience can leave male victims feeling invalidated and excluded from the narrative, exacerbating their sense of isolation and helplessness.
- Institutional Barriers: Institutional barriers further contribute to the pervasiveness of domestic abuse against men. Law enforcement, healthcare providers and social services are often ill-equipped to identify and respond to male victims of domestic violence. Male victims may encounter scepticism or minimisation of their experiences when they do seek help, leading to a lack of trust in these institutions. The fear of not being taken seriously can deter men from reporting abuse, seeking medical attention, or accessing support services, leaving them to suffer in silence.
- Online and Digital Abuse: The rise of digital technologies has introduced new avenues for abuse, with online harassment, cyberstalking and digital surveillance becoming increasingly prevalent. Men experiencing abuse from their partners may find themselves monitored, harassed, or humiliated online, further complicating their ability to seek help and maintain privacy.
- Underreporting and Data Gaps: A direct consequence of cultural, societal and institutional barriers is the significant underreporting of domestic abuse against men. Many men choose not to report their experiences due to fear of shame, disbelief or retaliation. This underreporting contributes to data gaps that hinder the understanding of the scope and nature of domestic abuse against men, making it difficult to develop targeted interventions and support systems.
- Breaking the Cycle: Understanding the emotional depth of helplessness in domestic abuse against men requires a compassionate approach. Recognising the signs of abuse, offering judgment-free support and providing access to resources tailored to the needs of male victims are crucial steps in addressing this issue. Encouraging open discussions about masculinity, vulnerability and the realities of domestic abuse can help to break down the societal barriers that contribute to the silence and isolation experienced by male victims. By doing so, we can create a more supportive environment that empowers victims to seek help and begin the process of healing and recovery.
“From Every Wound There Is A Scar And Every Scar tells A Story”