“GASLIGHTING, AT ITS CORE, IS A FORM OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE THAT TAKES AWAY YOUR ABILITY TO MAKE RATIONAL JUDGEMENTS”
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or group makes someone question their own reality, memory or perception. This phenomenon, though recognized widely in popular discourse today, has roots in deep psychological and sociological dynamics. Gaslighting is not only harmful to an individual’s self-esteem and mental health, but it also disrupts relationships and can have serious long-term effects on the mental well-being of the victim.
What is Gaslighting?
The term “Gaslighting” originates from the 1938 play Gas Light, later adapted into a movie, in which a husband attempts to convince his wife that she is going insane by making subtle changes to their environment (such as dimming the gas lights) and then denying that anything has changed. This kind of manipulation creates a distorted reality for the victim, causing them to doubt their perception and, eventually, their sanity. Gaslighting occurs in various contexts, from romantic relationships and friendships to workplace and even political settings.
The Psychology Behind Gaslighting
Gaslighting is built on principles of cognitive dissonance and social dominance. The abuser exploits the victim’s desire for a coherent self-concept and stable reality. In this blog post I will explain some psychological mechanisms and why gaslighting is so effective.
- Cognitive Dissonance: Humans have a need for cognitive consistency. When faced with conflicting information about ourselves or the world, we feel discomfort and naturally seek resolution. Gaslighting exploits this by creating inconsistencies between what the victim knows to be true and what the abuser insists is true. This tension can lead the victim to change their perception to align with the abuser’s claims, reducing the cognitive dissonance.
- Authority and Power Dynamics: Gaslighting often occurs in relationships with a power imbalance, where the abuser holds some form of authority or influence over the victim. In relationships, for example, the abuser may hold financial, emotional, or social power over the victim. This makes it easier for the abuser to assert control, as the victim is more likely to doubt themselves rather than challenge the person in a position of authority because they hold them in such a high regard.
- Attachment and Dependency: Victims may be emotionally attached or dependent on the Gaslighter, especially in intimate relationships or workplaces where the victim has a stake in maintaining harmony or preserving their position. This dependency makes the victim more susceptible to believing the manipulator’s version of reality to avoid the perceived threat of loss or abandonment.
- Projection and Insecurity: Many Gaslighters project their own insecurities onto others, making accusations that are actually reflections of their own behaviour. For example, an abuser who is unfaithful may accuse their partner of infidelity. This projection creates confusion, as the victim may begin questioning their own integrity and reality.
How Gaslighting is Done
Gaslighting is typically implemented through a series of subtle, repetitive techniques. These techniques are designed to create confusion, instil doubt and, ultimately, strip the victim of confidence in their own perceptions. Common techniques include:
- Gaslighting is typically implemented through a series of subtle, repetitive techniques. These techniques are designed to create confusion, instil doubt and, ultimately, strip the victim of confidence in their own perceptions. Common techniques include:
- Denial: The Gaslighter denies things that they have previously done or said, even when there is evidence to the contrary. This denial makes the victim question their memory and experiences.
- Trivialising Feelings: The abuser dismisses the victim’s feelings as exaggerated or irrational. For example, they might say, “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive.” This invalidation leads the victim to mistrust their emotional responses and perceptions.
- Withholding Information: Gaslighters often refuse to engage in conversations or share necessary information, leading the victim to question their understanding or feel isolated.
- Countering: The Gaslighter might contradict the victim’s recollection of events, arguing that they “remember it differently,” even when the events are recent and vivid in the victim’s memory.
- Diverting Attention: The Gaslighter may change the subject or refocus the conversation, often by accusing the victim of unrelated issues, to distract them from the actual problem at hand.
- Love Bombing and Manipulation: In relationships, Gaslighters may switch between kindness and cruelty, “love bombing” their victim (showering them with affection or attention) to keep them emotionally invested and then quickly switching to demeaning behaviour. This cycle is completely toxic, creates confusion and makes the victim more vulnerable to manipulation.
Toxic Phrases Used By Gaslighters
Gaslighters use subtle, manipulative language to undermine others’ confidence, making them question their perceptions, memories and sometimes even their sanity. Recognizing these phrases and knowing how to respond can help you regain control and assert your reality. Here’s a list of toxic phrases often used by Gaslighters, along with ways for you to respond effectively:
- “You’re just being too sensitive.” Response: “My feelings are valid, and I’d appreciate it if you respected them. Let’s focus on the issue at hand instead of my reaction to it.”
- “You’re imagining things.” Response: “This is my perception, and it feels real to me. I’d like us to discuss it rather than dismiss it as imaginary.”
- “I never said that / That never happened.” Response: “I remember the conversation differently. Maybe we can agree to revisit what was said so there is less confusion.”
- “Stop overreacting. It’s not a big deal.” Response: “It may not be a big deal to you, but it is to me. Let’s talk about why it matters rather than how big of a deal it is.”
- “Everyone else agrees with me.” Response: “I’d prefer to keep this between us. Let’s address how I feel without bringing others into the conversation.”
- “You’re crazy / You need help.” Response: “Labelling my feelings as ‘crazy’ doesn’t help us communicate. I’m open to discussing my perspective if we can do it respectfully.”
- “You’re making this up just to start a fight.” Response: “I’m raising this because it’s important to me, not to cause conflict. Let’s focus on understanding each other rather than assuming bad intentions.”
- “You’re remembering it wrong.” Response: “We might have different memories of the event, but that doesn’t make mine any less valid. Let’s discuss both perspectives.”
- “I’m only doing this because I love you.” Response: “I appreciate your feelings, but real love is about mutual respect. If something feels hurtful, we need to address it.”
- “You’re so insecure.” Response: “We all have insecurities, but that doesn’t mean my concerns aren’t legitimate. Let’s focus on the issue rather than labelling my feelings.”
- “You’re blowing things out of proportion.” Response: “I see this differently, and I think it’s worth discussing. Let’s work on understanding rather than minimizing how I feel.”
- “I was just joking. Can’t you take a joke?” Response: “If it was meant to be funny, it didn’t come across that way. Let’s be mindful of each other’s boundaries.”
- “This is all your fault.” Response: “Relationships are a two-way street. Let’s look at both our roles in this rather than placing all the blame on me.”
- “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this.” Response: “It’s a big deal to me, and I’d appreciate it if we could discuss it. Let’s focus on why it’s important.”
- “You’re acting irrationally.” Response: “I feel strongly about this because it matters to me. I’d like to talk about it without judgment.”
- “No one else would react this way.” Response: “I can’t speak for others, but this is how I feel. Can we discuss what’s bothering me rather than comparing my reaction?”
- “You’re just trying to make me look bad.” Response: “I’m expressing my feelings, not attacking you. Let’s focus on what’s happening now.”
- “You should just trust me.” Response: “Trust is built on understanding. If we can discuss this openly, it’ll be easier for me to feel secure.”
- “You’re too emotional to think clearly.” Response: “Emotions are part of being human, and they don’t invalidate my thoughts. Let’s talk this through calmly.”
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Response: “Thank you for acknowledging my feelings, but I’d appreciate it if we could discuss what led to them.”
These responses help you affirm your reality, set boundaries and hold the conversation accountable to mutual respect. Remember, the goal is not to change the Gaslighter’s mind, as this can be difficult, but to protect your own mental and emotional clarity. By being firm you will show that you cannot and will not be manipulated.
Why Gaslighting Works
Gaslighting is effective because it operates on a psychological level that targets a person’s core beliefs and perceptions. Here’s why it works:
- Undermines Self-Trust: Gaslighting erodes the victim’s self-confidence by making them doubt their perceptions. Over time, the victim begins to internalize the idea that their memory and understanding cannot be trusted, which leaves them more vulnerable to accepting the abuser’s version of reality.
- Creates Dependence: Once the victim doubts their own perceptions, they may become increasingly dependent on the Gaslighter for a sense of stability. This dependence reinforces the Gaslighter’s control, as the victim now seeks reassurance from the very person distorting their reality.
- Isolation: Gaslighters often isolate their victims, either physically or emotionally, by creating distrust between the victim and others. This isolation makes the victim feel as though they have no alternative perspectives to rely on and no support system, further reinforcing the Gaslighter’s version of reality.
- Exploits Empathy and Conflict-Avoidance: Many Gaslighters manipulate empathic people as they are more likely to question their own behaviour before challenging others. By the same token, individuals who dislike conflict may be more willing to accept the Gaslighter’s narrative to avoid arguments, even if it means sacrificing their own perspective.
Consequences of Gaslighting
The impact of gaslighting is often severe and long-lasting, affecting various aspects of the victim’s psychological well-being, personal relationships and self-perception. Key consequences include:
- Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Prolonged exposure to gaslighting can lead to anxiety, depression and symptoms of trauma, including hypervigilance and avoidance. Victims may feel confused, ashamed and powerless, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth.
- Erosion of Self-Esteem: Gaslighting steadily chips away at self-esteem. The victim may begin to internalize the negative things the Gaslighter says about them, leading to a loss of confidence in their own abilities and judgments.
- Isolation: The combination of self-doubt and manipulation can lead the victim to withdraw from others, feeling as though they can no longer trust anyone or that their reality is too distorted to be understood. This isolation can deepen the hold the Gaslighter has on them and make it harder to seek support.
- Difficulty Trusting Future Relationships: The mistrust fostered by gaslighting often extends beyond the relationship with the abuser. Victims may struggle with future relationships, finding it difficult to trust others or even themselves, which can hinder healthy interpersonal dynamics.
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): In severe cases, the prolonged psychological abuse caused by gaslighting can lead to symptoms associated with PTSD, such as flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and difficulty forming trusting bonds.
Recovery and Healing from Gaslighting
Healing from gaslighting often requires time, self-reflection and professional support. Recovery steps can include:
- Therapy: Professional help, especially from therapists trained in trauma and abuse recovery, can provide tools for rebuilding confidence and a sense of self. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and trauma-informed therapies can be particularly effective.
- Rebuilding Self-Trust: Through therapy, journaling, or support groups, victims can work on re-establishing trust in their own perceptions and instincts. Exercises like writing down personal experiences can help solidify a stable sense of reality.
- Establishing Boundaries: Boundaries are essential in preventing future manipulation. Once the victim has a better understanding of their self-worth and perceptions, they can set limits that protect their emotional well-being in future relationships.
- Reconnection with Support Networks: Reaching out to trusted friends or family members can help rebuild a support system and counteract the isolation created by gaslighting.
Conclusion
Gaslighting is a powerful and insidious form of psychological abuse that distorts a person’s perception of reality, undermining their self-confidence and independence. The psychological mechanisms that allow gaslighting to work are complex and manipulative, often targeting a victim’s sense of stability and trust. With the right support, however, victims can heal, rebuild their self-esteem and move forward, better equipped to recognize and resist manipulative tactics in the future. Understanding gaslighting is essential not only for those affected by it but for society at large, as it underscores the importance of trust, empathy and resilience in human relationships.
“GASLIGHTING IS MIND CONTROL TO MAKE VICTIMS DOUBT THEIR REALITY”