“I loved you. Even when you gave me every reason in the world not to, I still loved you. And you can pick our relationship apart, critique the ‘why’ the ‘but’ the ‘if’ for eternity. But you can never change the one thing that truly mattered and that was how much I really cared. You will have to deal with the fact that you lost a love that was bigger than anything you were ever able to handle.” Unknown
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviour in a relationship that is used by one person to gain or maintain control over the other. It is an act that is committed by someone in the victim’s circle and in it’s broadest sense, domestic violence can assume multiple forms including physical, verbal, emotional, economical and sexual abuse. It happens between intimate partners but it can also include violence against children, parents or the elderly.
It can range from something so subtle as coercive behaviour, such as isolating you from family and friends, depriving you of your basic needs, monitoring your time online, keeping an eye on who you communicate with, to extreme acts of violence including beating, hitting, choking and raping. The objective is to reduce your circle of emotional support and to isolate, control and manipulate you.
Worldwide victims of domestic violence are mostly women and women tend to experience the more severe forms of violence. The World Health Organisation estimates that 1 in 3 women are subject to domestic violence at some point in their life and it occurs when the abuser believes that they are entitled to something and feels acceptable to use violence to obtain it.
Abusive relationships often follow a cyclical pattern where tensions rise, an act of violence is committed, followed by a period of calm. The victim is trapped in a domestically violent situation of isolation, power, control and trauma bonding to the abuser. Cultural expectations, fear and shame often keep the victim trapped. There is also a sense of keeping the family together because of the children.
The term intimate partner violence is often used synonymously with domestic violence because it refers to acts of violence within an intimate relationship. It can happen in same-sex relationships and women can also be the perpetrators of emotional and physical abuse to their male partners.
“Music is like my secret garden. It’s where I heal myself from every pain that I feel. It’s my type of therapy”
Emotional Abuse is a pattern of behaviour that creates fear and anxiety. It involves using emotions to control another person by criticising, embarrassing, shaming and blaming them. It involves attempts to frighten, manipulate and isolate them. It is subtle and persistent and it leaves you feeling degraded and humiliated.
Emotional abuse is about power and control. Power makes people feel like they are in charge of things, which is why it appeals to the abuser. People who abuse others try to create a hierarchy system, a sort of pecking order, where they are at the top and you are at the bottom. Verbal abuse is used to test you over and over again to see exactly how much you will take. It normally doesn’t involve actual physical violence, though threats of violence are made to intimidate you. The perpetrator will be in denial they are abusing you in any way and can even accuse and blame you for the tension, saying you have made them angry.
Emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviour that is not restricted to romantic relationships. It can happen between parent and child, in schools, in the office, in any place of work. The objective is always the same, to get you to prioritise their needs over yours. More than anything, emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that causes you to feel a sense of worthlessness and that you are not good enough. It can take on many forms but the general pattern is denying, minimising, ridiculing and ignoring the other person to make them feel insignificant.
In romantic relationships, deliberately withholding affection or refusing to listen to their partner can leave the abused person confused and fearful. The victim’s self-worth and emotional well-being are affected by the verbal abuse.
Examples of Emotional Abuse include:
- Name calling and insults
- Derogatory nicknames under the guise of terms of endearment
- Dismissiveness of you and your needs
- Insulting your appearance
- Claiming you’re too sensitive and “Can’t take a joke” when you express discomfort or ask them to stop what they are doing
- Shaming you by belittling your accomplishments or your personal interests and hobbies
How To Get Out Of An Abusive Relationship:
- Acknowledge that you are being treated poorly
- The first step is acceptance that you are in a controlling, abusive and manipulative relationship
- Recognising the abuse can open your mind to developing a heightened awareness of the abusive situation that you are in and no one deserves to live like that
- The next step is to live in the reality and refrain from fantasising that the situation is ever going to get better
- Living in the moment and recognising your feelings as they happen creates awareness
- Chart the abuse
- They are cyclical and have repeated patterns
- Allow yourself to feel the emotions and use the energy to establish determination
- An abusive relationship is not acceptable. It is not a way to live and therefore you will have to find a solution
- Plan your departure. Be methodical
- If possible start saving money in a separate place
- Take clothes to a friends house
- Have copies of all necessary documents made
- Don’t threaten to leave because it will arouse suspicion
- Act as normal as possible meanwhile you plan your escape and one day the opportunity will come and you will at least have the basics to allow you to move forward in a safe environment meanwhile everything is sorted out
- If your situation is physical, contact the police and the local authorities
- Feel free to get in contact with me at any time so I can help signpost you to the relevant authorities
“Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone you love and you think loves you in return”