“And suddenly you know, Its time to start something new and trust in the magic of beginnings”
Do you know the buzzwords surrounding the modern dating world today? Are you a Generation X? A Generation Z? A Baby Boomer? Maybe you’re just a plain old Boomer? Or perhaps you are one of the newly emerging Generation Alpha? What period were you born in? Where do you fit in?
Have you heard of Breadcrumbing in relationships? Or maybe a Situationship? What about Pistanthrophobia?
We’ve all heard of Ghosting, but here, let me give you some more.
Soft-Launching? Zombie-ing? Roaching? Woke-fishing? Benching? Orbiting? Cuffing? Fauci-ing? Pocketing? Vulturing? The list goes on and on.
Grab a coffee, take a seat and draw a long breath. Believe me, you’re going to need it by the time you finish reading this lot!
Let’s dive in and talk about the world of dating today, how to understand it, navigate it, benefit from it, but most importantly how to protect yourself from the prospective hurt of it all.
We all know what a committed monogamous relationship looks like, but in the dating world there are so many variations of what is considered a relationship today, you do actually need to be careful.
The reality is that no matter how old we are, or what generation we come from, starting out again in life is something so many of us have had to do.
No one gives you a map. It’s like when you hold a new born baby in your arms for the first time and you think, “Oh my God, now what?” When you start again, you’ve just got to get stuck in, but in doing so you need to learn the pitfalls and the landmines, all the while protecting your heart.
Twenty first century dating come with it’s own set of idiosyncrasies, yet human beings are fragile creatures with complex emotional needs, varying degrees of attachment styles and they have the potential to get seriously hurt if they get played.
While this is probably not the most appropriate moment to quote scripture, in dating, the best rule of thumb is to always keep this in mind:
“So in everything, do onto others what you would have them do onto you”
Matthew 7:12 NIV
Emotional Health Check:
Before you even begin to consider dating again, you need to ask yourself, “What do I want from all this?” But you have to be honest, and I mean, really honest. A wise man once told me, “Those who have a problem spending time alone, have a problem.“
Think about it for a moment…
We often say that the only way to get to know someone is by spending time with them. How much time do you spend with yourself? I don’t mean time that is spent watching the TV alone, or scrolling on Facebook, mindlessly numbing your thoughts while watching youtube videos and distracting yourself. I mean real time, where you disconnect from the world and connect to yourself. How well do you really know yourself?
Raising your Self-Awareness:
Self-awareness is the ability to focus on yourself and how your thoughts, actions and emotions line up with your own set of standards. People who are highly self aware can objectively evaluate themselves, manage their emotions, control their behaviour according to their values and perceive correctly how other people see them. Having the capability to have a deep understanding of what makes you who you are keeps you grounded. Identifying emotions as they happen allows you to question them as you work your way through processing them.
You have to give yourself an emotional health check before you move into something, that has the potential to be as highly charged emotionally such as dating, especially if it’s been a while since you were involved. The truth is it’s a fast-paced moving world out there and you need to be prepared and you do that by spending time with yourself first! Asking yourself these questions and taking the time to ponder your answers can take you deep into yourself, enabling you to connect with your core. The centre of who you are. Keep an open mind as you explore these questions.
Let’s learn to raise your self-awareness:
- Do you know what makes you tick?
- Do you know what your emotional triggers are?
- Do you understand why you behave a certain way or why you do the things you do?
- Do you know your attachment style?
- Do you know where your boundaries are?
- Have you learnt to say NO, when something is not quite right with you?
- Do you know what you want in your next relationship, or are you just looking, to see what’s out there?
- Do you recognise what went wrong in your previous relationship?
- Do you understand the part you played and how with hindsight you would have done things differently?
These are emotionally charged questions and the answers can sometimes be difficult to deal with. It is here where talking things over with a therapist can help you gain perspective and a better understanding of yourself.
“You texted him, he didn’t text back. He was obviously so excited, that he fainted…”
Now that you understand what needs to be done, let’s find out what is going on out there. While the above quote is clearly tongue in cheek, designed to make you smile, make no mistake as to the importance of all these terminologies and explanations below. They all exist for a reason.
Situationships:
The term situationship was coined in May 2017 by a journalist called Carina Hsieh who wrote about it for an article in Cosmopolitan.
Entitled “Is The Situationship Ruining Modern Romance” The article went on to explain how the author found herself in a situationship without realising what it actually was.
Unlike being friends with benefits, where everyone knows and understands the rules… “We are friends, let’s have sex, see you next time, Ciao!” For some people a situationship is the ideal thing and that is absolutely great just as long as the two people involved know the score.
A situationship is less than a relationship but more than a casual encounter. It is referred to as a romantic relationship that remains undefined. Of course as with everything that has no clear boundaries, the potential for confusion is huge, as is the ability to bring lasting emotional damage.
Described by others as a space between a committed relationship but something that is more than a friendship, a situationship was considered a valid relationship status according to Tinder’s 2022 Year Review.
So what are we? Friends? Lovers? In a relationship?
A situationship is a hook-up with emotional benefits. You are no longer strangers and you go on dates with each other, but you have not reached the stage of a real couple. There is an emotional bond and fulfilment that feels like a real relationship. But therein lies the problem.
You go out together now and then, you are intimate together now and then, you chat often and you text often like in a real relationship, but you don’t have exclusivity, you are not involved in each others lives, you don’t have a title, you don’t have any commitment and it could end at the drop of a hat, leaving your mind spinning as to what on earth is going on. Confusion and doubt accompany this ‘relationship status.’
A situationship is a relationship that is stuck in present time and does not move anywhere, but you have an emotional attachment to somebody who is not your actual partner. So what is he/she? Some sort of friend?
What do you actually have? Well the truth is, what you have is a problem!
A situationship gained it’s notoriety from the phrase “All that is implied but nothing is said.” The problem is that showing vulnerability, which is the key component to an emotional connection is going to get you hurt, because the situationship does not allow for emotional security. So what do you do? Do you pretend you have feelings for that person? Because if you really feel something you are open to pain, but if you don’t feel anything and keep your distance emotionally, what is the point of being there anyway? The alternative is going out and finding a friend with some sort of benefit, but then that defies the whole purpose of wanting a relationship in the first place.
The sexual and romantic component, where expectations, hopes and desires are not discussed, can leave the people involved with a sense of confusion as to where the ‘relationship’ is heading.
Questions are asked internally, “What are my rights?” “What can I ask for?” “What can he/she give me?” “What am I willing to give in return?” “If I ask for too much will I rock the boat and make the other person think I am too needy?” “If I offer too much of myself will they think I am desperate?” “I am a loving, caring and generous person by nature, if I show them that will they think I want more?”
But because, “All that is implied, but nothing is said,” is the mantra of a situationship, one is afraid to ask for anything and because solid relationships come from a place of authenticity, the whole nature of a situationship is a cause for anxiety.
The worst problem is when you don’t actually realise that you are in a situationship until you ask for an element of clarification from your partner as to where the ‘relationship’ is going and you are basically told that they didn’t want to be in an actual relationship in the first place. The whole thing is governed by doubt, and confusion and a sense of permanently asking yourself, “What are we?”
Situationships can last for months or years and will come to a head when one side or the other wants something else from the status quo.
The trouble with a situationship is, because the ‘relationship’ wasn’t really a relationship, and your ‘partner’ wasn’t really your partner, when it all goes wrong, do you feel you have any right to express the agony of an emotional pain? Is this a heartache?
If everything is implied, but nothing is said, then surely your emotions are not real either?
But they are! They are hugely real. Even though nothing was ever said, because to do so could potentially rock the boat, that doesn’t stop you thinking and feeling and in your own mind you repeatedly tell yourself that it will all sort itself out and meanwhile, a false sense of security has been created.
As friendships grow closer, conflict becomes harder to avoid because of the closeness. You cannot fully know someone until you have experienced how they handle issues and yet because of the nature of a situationship and the difficulty of connection, conflict isn’t the adversary, fear of the confrontation is.
At the end of a ‘situation-ship’ what you are left with is a situation where the ship has sailed and you are abandoned, drowning in the sea of your own tears, clinging onto a piece of driftwood of your own tumbling emotions. And that is an awful place to find yourself.
So how do you avoid finding yourself in a situationship? To answer this question, first of all let’s understand what boundaries are and why we all need them.
“You are not required to set yourself on fire so others can stay warm…”
Healthy boundaries are a necessary component for self-care. They help us define who we are, what we stand for and what we are willing to tolerate from others. They represent our morals and values and they place limits around our time, our emotions and our body. They help us to stay resilient and avoid us feeling depleted, emotionally exhausted and potentially manipulated by others. An integral part of who we are as responsible adults is establishing limits for ourselves, making choices that are in our own best interest, even though sometimes they aren’t the most enjoyable in the moment for others.
Everyone’s boundaries are unique and the boundaries that you will create for yourself will reflect your needs and the priorities that you consider important in your life . There could be a time in your life when you realise the boundaries you thought were good are not so good after all, especially if you have experienced childhood trauma and have difficulty in understanding the attachment to the abusive parent/primary caregiver, while at the same time needing the safety and protection that the adult is supposed to provide. On the one hand as a child you instinctually seek comfort and support, yet have the internal emotional conflict of fight and flight from the abusive parent. This leaves the child and later on the adult with difficulties in establishing clear boundaries in relationships because your subconscious reaction is what you have always knows.
The Various Types Of Boundaries:
- Physical Boundaries
- Emotional Boundaries
- Sexual Boundaries
- Spiritual or Religious Boundaries
- Financial and Material Boundaries
- Boundaries placed on your time
Enforcing Boundaries Includes:
- Setting boundaries and informing others of you limitation should be done in a clear and concise way
- Open up channels of communication and identify your boundaries in a calm manner before you enforce them
- If your boundaries are not respected, evaluate your options and take action
- In dating make it clear what you need from the other person
- State clearly where you stand with physical intimacy
- Be clear what you need regarding commitment
- Clarify your communication style, texting, phone calls, regular meet-ups etc
Now that we have established boundaries, lets understand the new dating language. Thanks to dating apps and messaging services, dating now has a solid online component and just like all other aspects of life online, texting, memes, emojis etc have their own set of rules and regulations, its own vocabulary and it’s own… well, its own vibe really.
And where once upon a time, breadcumbing was something you did with a piece of chicken, today it has taken on a completely different meaning.
Orbiting? Isn’t that something the earth does around the sun? No, apparently not. No? Ohh, do tell…
Do you have that coffee ready? Here goes the list in alphabetical order:
Benching:
Benching is what happens when an athlete is removed from a game and placed on the side. In the dating world when you are being benched it means that someone likes you enough to keep seeing you, but not enough to have a more serious relationship. The keep you on the side as an option and they only invest time in you when they have nothing else to do. Basically, it means they keep you on the fence.
Breadcrumbing:
This is the new, “lead someone on” It normally happens through texts and through social media. They engage in chat, flirt a little, but they have no intention of pursuing a real relationship. They are enjoying the ego boost and loving the attention you are giving them. Similar to a Hansel & Gretal theme, someone is just throwing you enough breadcrumbs to string you along. A process used by someone who doesn’t have feelings for you, but they don’t want to see you move on so they give you just a few breadcrumbs of attention. Also used by someone who wants to keep you in a situationship style of relationship, but when you tell them you want more, they tell you they don’t love you and don’t want a relationship!
Cuffing:
Its when people pair up over the holiday season so as not to spend it alone. Cuffing season, the time between mid November to Valentine’s day. Cuffing means exclusivity, even if its just for that period. When you put the cuffs on someone, they belong to you alone. Whether the relationship lasts or not, remains to be seen, but it is considered a convenience to help get you through the whole season of Christmas, New Year etc.
Fauci-ing:
Coined by the dating app, Plenty of Fish. Do you remember Dr Anthony Fauci? The director of the Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. He was around in Trump’s time. Anyway, Fauci-ing refers to the act of turning down a date based on whether the person was taking the pandemic seriously enough and whether they had been vaccinated.
Hardballing:
Coined by Logan Ury, hardballing is when you are being clear and direct about what you want and your expectations of a relationship. It makes no difference whether you want a serious long-term relationship or a casual fling. You are making what you want known.
Orbiting:
According to Men’s Health, orbiting is the new ghosting. It’s when someone breaks off all contact with someone they were dating, but continues following them around on social media. Hovering on the peripheral, interacting and commenting on the social media posts but don’t actually communicate with the person directly. This normally happens when a break up is still fresh, or severing the ties was so complete that they still feel shell shocked but continue interacting with the ex-partner posts like nothing happened.
Oystering:
According to new research from dating site Badoo, oystering refers to the idea of people finding themselves back in the single seat and are getting back into the dating world post break up. Free and single and ready to mingle, oystering is your new positive outlook on dating.
Pistanthrophobia:
This is a phobia, which is a type of anxiety disorder that presents itself as persistent, irrational and with an excessive fear about a person, situation or object, Pistanthrophobia is a fear of trusting people and of getting hurt by someone in a romantic relationship. It often comes about as a result of having experienced a serious disappointment or painful ending to a prior relationship.
Pocketing:
When you are in a new relationship and are in love, you want to shout it from the rooftops. But you won’t be doing that if you are being kept pocketed. The term means that the person is keeping you in their pocket. You are not introduced to their friends, you are not invited to events and you are not included on social media. Basically it means that you are being pocketed away like loose change. Nobody deserves to feel like that.
Roaching:
Coined by AskMen, it comes from an unwritten rule where you see one roach, there will always be another. It’s described as where the person you are dating is hiding the fact that they are involved with more than one person at the same time. If there is an agreement to see multiple people at the same time, that’s fair enough. But it’s called roaching, because its mostly done in secret.
Soft-launching:
Coined by actress Rachel Sennet, it means there is someone special in your life but you are keeping the person’s identity hidden. It could be a picture of holding hands, two glasses of wine, a silhouette or something subtly covering their face. A photo preview of a talking phase, before it become an official relationship.
Textationship:
When someone texts and chats with you all the time, but never really makes much of an effort to see you. There is no in-person communication and the ‘relationship’ only consists of chat. It is simple, quick and convenient. It’s not just reserved for romantic relationships but can exist between co-workers and acquaintances too.
Throning:
Where someone typically takes advantage of you for your VIP status for entrance into exclusive bars and clubs. They take advantage of the fact that you have money to spend and have no problems spending your money for you.
Vulturing:
Just like what vultures do in real life, vulturing is a dating term where someone circles wounded or vulnerable prey. They can sense or know that a relationship is about to end or is very weak and they come in with the pretence of making it all better for the other person just so they can sleep with them. Waiting and hoping for a chance with someone because you like them is not vulturing though. Vulturing is specifically taking advantage of a vulnerable person for your own benefit.
Wokefishing:
Coined by Serena Smith, put simply, wokefishing is when people pretend to hold progressive political views to entrap potential partners. A wokefish, at first may present themselves as progressive, especially on social media in order to impress others. It is a variation of catfishing, where one person pretends to be another and assumes a false personality online. Wokefishers pretend they are progressive, vegan liberalists who support societal injustices such as the murder of George Floyd, but in reality they don’t actually care.
Zombie-ing:
We’ve all heard of ghosting, the awful colloquial term which describes the practice of someone ending all communication without any apparent reason, warning or justification. The person quite simply disappears. Well, supposedly all ghosts are dead. Right? Wrong!
Now we have Zombie-ing, which is when they come back to life. I kid you not!
A Zombie is a ghoster who has risen from the dead! You couldn’t make this up, even if you tried.
So what is a Zombie? Well, a zombie is someone, who previously ghosted you and then contacts you all of a sudden like as if nothing ever happened. And just like in a real zombie movie the best thing you can do is run away as far and as fast as you can!
There are other terms and expressions, the list does actually go on and on. You have here a basic outline of what the dating world out there is like in the 21st century. Between the fear of fake dating profiles, the level of commitment and the time and effort it takes in finding a match, no wonder so many people live alone. For some people, dating is a walk in the park, for others, making endless small talk with someone they just met is an absolute nightmare. You need to do your emotional health check. You need to be honest about what you want and you need to be clear in your communications. The reality is that starting again needs you to be brave and like I have often written within these pages, courage comes from the heart. So put your best foot forward, your glad rags on, paste a smile on your face and protect your heart.
“Always keep your chin up and your head held high, if you are looking down at the floor you won’t see the many beautiful things right in front of you”
There were an estimated 28.1 million households in the UK in 2021, an increase of 6.3% over the last ten years. The number of people living alone in the UK in the last ten years has increased by 8.3%. Continuing a long pattern of growth, 4.4 million people lived alone in 2021.
Here are some interesting statistics:
- 9.1 Million people in Britain have used online dating sites
- 55% of UK residents have used Tinder at least once
- There are more than 8000 dating sites globally
- Tinder has 823,000 average of UK monthly users
- 27.7% of women prefer to meet potential partners online, compared to 23.2% of men
- Meeting someone is a bar or club or social circle is still vastly preferred by almost every age group
- 1 in 5 relationships start online
- 84% of online daters are looking for a romantic relationship
- 24% are looking for a sexual relationship
- 42% of online daters are looking for marriage
- Almost 14% of online daters marry someone they met online
- 81% of people lie about their height, weight and age on profiles
- 71% of people believe in love at first sight
“Don’t wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect”