“EMOTIONAL ABUSE DOESN’T BRUISE THE SKIN, BUT IT SCARS THE SOUL”
The silent treatment, is understood to be when a person is deliberately ignoring someone, withholding communication from them, or refusing to engage with the other person and purposefully remains quiet.
It is often perceived as a passive act. Yet psychologically, it is one of the most potent forms of emotional manipulation and control. While it may appear as an attempt to de-escalate conflict or gain emotional distance, at its core, the silent treatment frequently operates as a strategy to assert dominance, punish and regulate another person’s behaviour.
As communication scholar Paul Watzlawick once wrote, “One cannot NOT communicate.” Even silence carries a message and when used intentionally, it becomes a message of power.
This blog post explores the psychological mechanisms behind why individuals use the silent treatment as a form of control, the sense of power it provides to the perpetrator, and the profound emotional and psychological effects it has on the person who receives it.
The Psychology Behind Using The Silent Treatment
- At its foundation, the silent treatment functions as a withdrawal of emotional connection. Humans are social creatures wired for communication, validation and belonging. When someone intentionally withholds communication, it activates the other person’s attachment system, triggering feelings of rejection, abandonment and anxiety. This reaction is not coincidental; it is the intended outcome for those who use silence as a tool of control. Psychologist Preston Ni explains: “The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that uses silence to control another person or situation.”
- From a psychological standpoint, the person who employs the silent treatment often does so from a place of insecurity, fear, or narcissistic tendencies. Many individuals who use this tactic, struggle with vulnerability and emotional regulation. Instead of expressing hurt, anger, or disappointment openly, they retreat into silence as a way to avoid confronting their own emotions or being perceived as weak. By withholding communication, they maintain a sense of control over the situation. They end up controlling not only the narrative but also the emotional state of the other person.
- In cases where the behaviour is chronic or manipulative, it can stem from narcissistic or borderline personality traits. Narcissistically inclined individuals, for instance, often employ the silent treatment to punish perceived slights, maintain superiority, or coerce others into compliance. The underlying belief is, “I will deprive you of my attention until you behave how I want.” This reinforces their ego and ensures they remain in a dominant emotional position. Trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk describes, “Being ignored or dismissed is one of the most devastating things that can happen to the human psyche.”
The Sense of Power and Control
- The silent treatment provides a psychological illusion of power. In withholding communication, the perpetrator controls the terms of engagement; when, how and if the conversation will resume. This dynamic, places the target in a state of emotional uncertainty, where they are left to question their worth, their behaviour and even their perception of reality.
- For the individual using the silent treatment, this can be intoxicating. It offers a temporary sense of dominance and emotional superiority. They watch the other person become increasingly desperate for acknowledgment or resolution, which reinforces their belief that they hold power over the relationship. Silence becomes a weapon that allows them to manipulate without overt aggression. It is a form of covert control.
- This sense of control often compensates for an internal lack of self-esteem or fear of abandonment. The individual may subconsciously feel that if they can dictate the emotional atmosphere, when warmth is given or withdrawn, they can prevent being hurt themselves. In this way, the silent treatment functions as both offense and defence. It is a way to punish others while protecting oneself from perceived emotional vulnerability.
- In more manipulative or narcissistic dynamics, the silent treatment can also serve as a means of punishment. Clinical psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, notes that such tactics are common in emotionally manipulative relationships where “control is disguised as love.” The abuser withholds communication not to resolve conflict, but to reassert dominance and make the other person submit.
- However, this “power” is fragile. It depends entirely on the other person’s emotional response. The moment the target stops seeking validation or reacting, the silent treatment loses its efficacy. This dynamic, reveals that the control it provides is rooted not in strength, but in emotional dependency and avoidance.
The Effects On The Recipient
- For the person on the receiving end, the silent treatment can be profoundly damaging. Silence communicates rejection, disdain and emotional abandonment, all of which undermines a person’s sense of self-worth and safety in the relationship.
- When someone who is supposed to care for or respect them instead ignores their existence, it creates cognitive dissonance: the painful tension between “this person loves me” and “this person is hurting me.”
Psychologically, Prolonged Exposure To This Kind Of Treatment Can Result In:
- Anxiety & Hypervigilance: The recipient becomes consumed by trying to “fix” the situation, constantly guessing what they did wrong or how to regain communication.
- Low Self-Esteem: Repeated rejection leads to internalised shame and feelings of inadequacy. The victim begins to believe they are unworthy of attention or affection.
- Emotional Dependence: Ironically, the more the abuser withdraws, the more the victim may cling, desperate to re-establish connection and restore a sense of security.
- Isolation & Confusion: The absence of communication prevents resolution and leaves the victim questioning their own perceptions, which can mimic aspects of gaslighting.
In relationships, whether romantic, familial or professional, the silent treatment erodes trust and intimacy. It teaches the recipient that emotional needs are dangerous to express, as they might be punished with withdrawal. Over time, this can result in emotional trauma, symptoms of complex PTSD and long-term difficulty in forming secure attachments.
Psychologist Harriet Lerner wrote in The Dance of Anger, “Silence is not necessarily golden. It can be a means of avoiding self-discovery and it can be a weapon of control and punishment.” For many who wield it, silence becomes a way to maintain the upper hand without having to face their own emotions.
The Silent Treatment As Emotional Abuse
- While occasional silence for self-regulation or cooling off is not inherently abusive, intentional and prolonged silence used to control or punish is a form of emotional abuse. It manipulates the recipient’s psychological state by exploiting their innate need for connection. The abuser does not need to shout, insult, or threaten; the absence of words becomes the weapon.
- In abusive dynamics, silence says: “I decide when you are worthy of being seen, heard, or validated.” This establishes a power hierarchy within the relationship, with one person as the emotional gatekeeper and the other as the dependent seeker of approval. The long-term impact of this imbalance can be devastating, often leaving the victim with deep-seated feelings of powerlessness and self-doubt even after the relationship ends.
In Conclusion
The silent treatment is not mere avoidance or a benign coping mechanism. It is a psychologically potent tool of control rooted in fear, insecurity and emotional immaturity. For the one who wields it, silence provides an illusion of power and superiority; for the one who receives it, it delivers profound emotional pain and confusion. Understanding the silent treatment through a psychological lens exposes it for what it truly is: a covert form of emotional abuse that distorts communication, damages trust and undermines human connection. Silence may win temporary power, but true power in relationships comes from emotional honesty, empathy and vulnerability, qualities that build connection rather than destroy it.
“WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO COMMUNICATE, THEY REFUSE TO CARE. ABUSE IS THE REJECTION OF A CONNECTION”