“SOMETIMES THE HARDEST PART IS LOVING SOMEONE WHO NO LONGER WANTS TO BE FOUND”
Loss is one of the hardest experiences humans face, but some losses are especially difficult to process because they do not come with closure. This unique and painful experience is known as ambiguous loss, a concept developed by family therapist and researcher Dr. Pauline Boss. Unlike death, where there is a clear endpoint, ambiguous loss leaves people in limbo, grappling with uncertainty and often unable to move forward emotionally.
What Is Ambiguous Loss?
- Ambiguous loss occurs when someone is physically absent but psychologically present, or physically present but psychologically absent. In both cases, families are left in a suspended state, unsure how to grieve, hope, or plan for the future.
- Physically Absent But Psychologically Present: This includes situations like missing persons, children placed in foster care, soldiers missing in action, migrants separated from their families or estranged family members. The loved one is not there, but the emotional bond continues.
- Physically Present But Psychologically Absent: This occurs when a person is physically there but unable to connect, such as with Alzheimer’s disease, dementia, brain injury, severe addiction, or mental illness. The body remains, but the mind or personality feels missing.
The Emotional Impact
Ambiguous loss is uniquely stressful because it resists resolution. Typical grieving rituals funerals, memorials, or goodbyes, don’t quite fit when there is no certainty. What makes ambiguous loss particularly hard is that society often fails to recognise it as a “real” form of grief, leaving families feeling isolated. As a result, families going through an ambiguous loss may experience:
- Chronic Uncertainty: Not knowing whether to hold on or let go.
- Complicated Grief: The inability to process or move forward.
- Feelings Of Guilt Or Anger: Questioning whether they’ve done enough, or resenting the situation.
- Strained Relationships: Different family members may cope in conflicting ways, leading to tension.
- Anxiety and Depression: Living in limbo takes a heavy toll on mental health.
Estrangement From Adult Children
- One form of ambiguous loss that is rarely spoken about, but increasingly common, is the estrangement of adult children. In these situations, a son or daughter chooses to cut ties with their parents or family of origin. Sometimes this happens because of serious harm in the past. But in other cases, the reasons may be less clear, driven by misunderstandings, misinterpretations of events, or even a sense of entitlement and resentment that leaves parents bewildered.
- For the family left behind, the pain is profound. The child is still alive, perhaps thriving in their own life, but emotionally absent. Parents often find themselves replaying conversations, questioning their own role, and searching for answers that may never come.
- The ambiguous nature of this loss is especially cruel. There is no death to mourn, yet the relationship feels as if it has died. This kind of estrangement can leave parents carrying shame and stigma, feeling judged by others who don’t understand the complexity.
- Parents feel a sense of powerlessness, since reconciliation depends on the child’s willingness to return.
- Conflicted emotions can arise, such as missing their child deeply while also feeling anger at the rejection. Recognising this as a form of ambiguous loss is crucial. Naming it validates the grief while offering a path toward coping with the situation and accepting that love and longing may always coexist with absence.
Steps to Cope and Support Families Affected
While ambiguous loss does not offer the finality that traditional grief does, families can find ways to adapt, cope, and even grow through the experience. Here are some key steps:
- Name the Loss: Simply identifying the experience as “ambiguous loss” can be validating. It helps families understand that what they feel is real and normal, even if the situation is unresolved.
- Shift from Closure to Meaning: Instead of waiting for answers, families can focus on creating meaning in the present. This might involve honouring the person in symbolic ways, cherishing shared memories, or redefining what connection looks like.
- Allow Mixed Emotions: It’s normal to feel both hope and despair, love and frustration. Giving space for these contradictions without judgment can ease guilt and self-blame.
- Stay Connected as a Family: Open communication is crucial. Families can support one another by respecting different coping styles, sharing responsibilities, and making space for individual feelings.
- Seek Professional and Community Support: Therapists trained in ambiguous loss, as well as support groups, can provide validation and tools for resilience. Spiritual communities, cultural rituals, or advocacy groups may also provide comfort.
- Practice Self-Care and Flexibility: Living with ongoing uncertainty requires stamina. Engaging in stress-relieving practices, maintaining routines, and allowing plans to evolve can help families preserve their own well-being.
Moving Forward Without Closure
Ambiguous loss asks something incredibly difficult for some people. It asks you to live well in the face of unanswered questions. Families may never receive the closure they long for, but healing comes from shifting the goal, from seeking certainty to finding ways to live with uncertainty. With compassion, connection, and meaning-making, families can endure, adapt and even thrive despite the unresolved absence in their lives.
“HEALING BEGINS WHEN WE STOP SEARCHING FOR CLOSURE AND START SEEKING PEACE”