“Above all else, guard your heart, because everything you do flows from it”
Proverb 4:23 NIV
In the deepest part of our soul where our spiritual and emotional essence exists, lies the capability of the most profound emotional connection that we can have. This is most often with our significant other, be they our husband/wife, partner, lover or even if you are just starting a new relationship.
Our ability to be open and honest with our loved ones and to peel back the layers of who we truly are, has the possibility to bring us huge emotional satisfaction.
There are those who might interpret the understanding of ‘Guard your Heart’ as an excuse to keep their walls up to protect themselves. They might think that the world is an unsafe place, relationships are scary, people cannot be trusted and because of that they are going to get hurt or left feeling disappointed… Yes, all of that could be true, and probably is true for many people. Yet it is because of that fear, closing yourself off can cause you more harm than good.
What ‘Guard your Heart’ really means, is that your life will always be lived under the control of your heart, so let there only ever be goodness. The heart is the centre of your thoughts, your emotions and your purpose in life. Lasting change in any person’s life always starts with the heart. It is what will shape your living, comfort you when needed and motivate you when you seek courage to conquer your fears.
Vulnerability is the willingness to acknowledge difficult emotions. It requires emotional exposure, self-awareness and the capability to accept the consequences of opening yourself up to pain, hurt and rejection. Vulnerability is at the root of fear, anxiety and shame, but it is also the birthplace of joy, love, belonging, creativity and faith.
There are some people who have not been taught how to express emotions freely and therefore have ingrained habits embedded deep inside and refuse to talk about things that make them angry or worried or if they feel insecure in a relationship. They could be scared to ask for what they need from the other, for fear of rejection. When you choose to be vulnerable you have reached a potential of opening yourself up to connection at an intimate level with more depth and honesty than ever possible. Why? Because you now hold the power.
What you are saying in effect is, “This is me, this is who I am…” By exposing yourself emotionally you choose to accept yourself with all of your flaws.
The ability to live true to yourself enables you to stand up for your own values that come from your core being, the centre of who you choose to be. It means not caving in to the demands and expectations of others. Being true to yourself can lead to independence, confidence, happiness and an ability to navigate through life more effectively.
The attributes of kindness, empathy, forgiveness, compassion and courage will come naturally to you, simply because when you learn to be honest and live true to yourself, treating others with care and compassion, is an extension of how you treat yourself and leads to a sense of fulfilment that you have given the best version of yourself to the rest of the world.
Choosing to be vulnerable is a scary place to be. You run the risk of uncertainty, rejection, and being hurt. The reality of the matter is, hurt is inevitable.
We will all be hurt and face disappointment at some stage in our life. Painful emotions are intense and can manifest themselves on a scale of intensity, ranging from something insignificant, to a life changing tragedy.
Emotional pain can be felt as acutely as physical pain, and while we have the power to manage our emotions, sometimes the severity of them can be overwhelming. The success in dealing with difficult emotions is not to avoid them by closing ourselves off and therefore avoiding ever feeling them, but learning how to manage them, process them and find ways to build ourselves up from them.
Unfortunately, hurt is a necessary process that we have to go through. It enables us to grow and to see things from a different perspective. Personal growth makes us stronger. It is impossible to evolve as a human being if we are not able to experience difficulties in life that allow us to build character and represent those aspects of ourself that are considered to be the most emblematic of who we truly are.
Just think… the walls you are putting up to protect yourself from openly loving and giving, are the same walls that will stop you from receiving the love that you desire. If there are barriers in place, the love cannot flow and if you don’t allow anyone to get too close you are denying yourself the opportunity to experience a deeper, more profound connection.
Tell your special someone you love them if that’s how you feel. Being emotionally honest sets you free. Even if the response is not what you wanted to hear. It frees you from assumptions, from wishing, from wondering, from waiting and from hoping. Most of all it sets you free from your own expectations.
“When you have known hurt and pain from one person, then you can appreciate tenderness and gentleness from another“
In the early stages of a relationship being emotionally honest prevents you from being deceived. If you feel that you are getting emotionally attached, it is better to say how you feel earlier on to avoid finding out later that the relationship was going nowhere and that the other person didn’t feel the same way as you. It is better to face the heartbreak earlier on than wait years for your special person to give you the commitment, the love and the respect you deserve.
Commitment in a relationship provides emotional security. Giving commitment means that both people promise to try to bring the best version of themselves to the relationship for as long as they both want and need it. Nothing is forever, but emotional security is important and if one half of the couple doesn’t feel emotionally safe in the relationship then there will always be problems. Emotional security is what allows you to be expressive, speak honestly and enables the intimacy to deepen. Without emotional safety, resentment will eventually be created and the relationship will break down, mistrust will occur and finally the other person will walk away.
Opening up emotionally is brave. You risk rejection, but it shows that you are not afraid to ask for what you want, while at the same time showing that you are strong enough and mature enough to accept the consequences of the outcome no matter what happens.
When the outcome is not what you want to hear, that is when you need to learn to walk away, not to make someone else realise how worthy you are, but for you to understand and acknowledge your own self-worth. Walking away shows that you have standards, it shows that you love yourself enough not to accept anything less than what you are prepared to give.
Telling someone how you feel is liberating. Life is too short to leave important words left unsaid. You can walk away, knowing that you were honest with your feelings and even if they don’t care for you in the same way, you are able to move on. There is no shame in loving someone wholeheartedly. Loving someone for who they are with no expectations in return is the purest form of love. It is the most uplifting and something very rare and when the intentions are honest it is a blessing.
Sometimes in life when you cannot find the solution to a problem, it’s not the problem that needs to be solved, but rather, a truth that has to be accepted. The truth will always set you free. It will allow you to have closure, heal and start again.
We cannot give what we don’t have, but from a position of vulnerability we can be the first to be able to give love freely, openly, honestly and wholeheartedly. In intimate relationships it also creates the opportunity to express our needs and our feelings and experience the joy of connection at a much deeper level.
By embracing vulnerability we can practice gratitude to honour what is ordinary about our lives because that is what is extra ordinary. The people we love, our families, our kids, our community, our freedom and the ability to connect with nature. We can be grateful for the simple things because in an instant, in an actual heartbeat we may lose them. While there are no guarantees in life, the one thing you can be guaranteed of is, that if you don’t allow yourself to experience joy and love, you will miss out on filling your heart with what you need to sustain you, when those difficult things happen.
We all have choices. We exist in a minefield of infinite choices. Every choice we make takes us down one path or other. When one door closes, another one opens. We have the choice to change direction in our life at any time we want and choosing to live life with vulnerability has the potential to bring you the greatest joy of all, and that is acceptance of who you truly are.
How to let go of emotional pain:
- First of all, practice the art of forgiveness. Not only does it lead to graciousness, but it allows you to develop compassion for other people’s imperfections while at the same time understanding that persistently blaming the other will not bring you inner peace. If you have tried everything possible to repair the relationship and it hasn’t worked, move on.
- Remember that while everything is forgivable, not everything is acceptable. Determine for yourself what you consider unacceptable, learn how to put boundaries in place and discover how to say NO.
- Bad communication ends good things… Remember that if you are unsure whether or not to reach out. Being the first one to connect after a discussion will always give you the peace of mind that you tried your best to find a resolution.
- Without regret there is no wisdom. Now you are wiser the regret serves a purpose. Some people will wear their trauma as a badge of honour, a kind of victimhood. You are not a victim. You are a survivor. You are the resilience that has come from the pain. Learn from this experience.
- Master the art of walking away. Don’t rationalize bad behaviour. Walking away from a bad relationship gives you the ability to put things into perspective. Walking away creates respect. You are in the driving seat of your life.
- Let the pain flow. To heal it, you need to feel it. Be gentle with yourself. Take time to look after yourself. Cry as much as you want to. Speak to friends, family, a Counsellor. It helps put thoughts into perspective.
- Take accountability. It doesn’t mean that you have to blame yourself for things that have happened in the past, but you do have to recognise the part you played in the relationship not having worked out. Take back your power, learn from your mistake and make a conscious decision not to allow others to control how you feel or where or how to move forward in your life.
- Don’t ruminate. Don’t allow yourself to be caught up in a perpetual cycle of negative thinking.
- Find ways to express yourself. Write down your thoughts in a letter. Just simply write down how you feel. Then you can either send it to the person so if they choose to, they can read it and understand or you can shred them into tiny pieces and dispose of them. Release the energy and pent up emotion onto the paper and cast them away. Symbolic perhaps, but cathartic nonetheless. It will help you move forward.
- Make a conscious effort to begin again.
- Remember that healing is not about going back to how you were before. That was when you were naive, unaware and incapable of seeing the hurricane as it landed. Now you have learnt a lesson. The opportunity you get from healing is the chance to learn. You are now stronger than you ever were before. You learn the hard lessons in life so you can open your heart to enjoy the beauty of all that feeling alive has to offer.
- Make space for new experiences, a new hobby, a new life, a new love.
And remember, always remember…
“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply, that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to BE who you are” Brene Brown
